I am days away from delivering a baby and have been walking through dark days, weeks, months... In the last two weeks I reached a depth in this pit I've felt myself in. I questioned God's love for me, His faithfulness, His concern or even desire to work in my life and for the ones I love so dearly who suffer with me. One night, my mother boldly reminded me of who God is and I shook my head, with tears, refusing to believe the truth about God which felt like a mockery to my pain. The next morning I wept with my grandparents who prayed for me by phone, that I would feel God's presence - to which I replied that I felt so punished.
Where is God in suffering? Why are my go-to thoughts, "God is punishing me"? Why, in times of tremendous suffering, does God feel so absent, so hidden? I think this morning I may have received more encouragement that I expected. I had not slept well due to five hours of constant heart burn and fake contractions. I had planned on going to church, but stayed and listened to a sermon entitled "The Hiddenness of God" by Tim Keller, a study of on the life of Joseph in Genesis 37. I want to share a few truths that have been a healing balm to my soul this morning.
* No chapter of the Bible has such absence in mention of God during the brokenness of Joseph's growing arrogance with his family, his father's spoiling and preference of Joseph over his other sons, the brother's brewing hatred and subsequent naked abandonment, attempted murder and eventual selling of their brother, Joseph into slavery.
*Where was God? No mention of him. And yet, had all the little 'coincidences' that led to these events not transpired, the whole family would have died in the famine that came to that region a few years later because Joseph would not have been a ruler in Egypt and given wisdom by God for how to save the region or decimation. And, had these things not happened, then Joseph would have destroyed his life with his arrogance and pride. His father's broken sin would have won in perpetuating itself in the family system and never seen redemption. The brother's murderous hatred would have won and they never would have experienced forgiveness.
*Reading the Bible is not about how to become a better person, but is a continuing narrative of how God's grace breaks into our lives and heals us in spite of ourselves, even when we aren't asking for healing.
*Generational sin and brokenness does exist and we won't discover the truth about ourselves on our own, in isolation. We discover the truth by being in relationship with others and the healing comes by being in relationship with others who willingly walk with us in the journey to restoration.
*God had a plan, that in the moment of suffering seemed stupid, but would result in the salvation and transformation of an entire family, lead to the saving of a region, the endurance of a people group, the salvation of the world through the birth of Jesus who would be borne of this lineage. The life of Jesus would challenge and break societal norms and transform lives who would go on to change the world.
*The life and death of Jesus looks so much like Joseph's. Joseph's beautiful coat of many colors, the reflection of his father's love for him, was taken from him. He was thrown naked into a pit, abandoned by those who where closest to him. He cried out and no one answered him. He was involuntarily sold into slavery. Jesus voluntarily left the comfort of heaven and His father's love (an beautiful coat) to come live a life of poverty for you and I. He was sold for a few pieces of silver by one of his best friends. He was nailed to a cross, naked, and cried out in agony "God, why have you forsaken me?"
*Jesus endured such torment of body and soul so that I would never have to receive the just punishment for my sin, my brokenness. He took on such suffering so that I would not be left alone in my suffering, with no one understanding my pain. Unlike any other religion in the world, the God of the Bible understands pain because he willingly suffered.
*There are times that God performs miracles of immediate rescue and salvation for those in suffering and peril. But, there are also times when God is just at work in the hidden details as he is in the grandiose visible ways. But, both forms accomplish the same - the breaking of sin, the patterns of sin, the salvation of families. God has a dream for His people, a vision for our glory, which in the moment may look foolish, but He will not let anyone, anything, even me, destroy it.
*I may want answers for the "why?". But, really I need the presence of God, more than I need answers. I need to know that He is with me, that He cares about the results of evil done against me and the broken results of I do to others. The cross proves that God does care. I may not know what God is doing, but I can believe that God is working. He is present.
I was powerfully tempted to be cynical this week and I admit that actually began succumbing to such bitterness. But, God rescued me again this week. He reminded me that He is a living God, not a figment of my imagination. He reminded me of my travels from long ago - when in Thailand, while staying with a family living in slum village, they took their daughter's to learn to worship a two story statue of Buddha, in my honor. I stood as they knelt and prayed to a statue who could not hear them. When in Heidelberg, Germany, I walked into a large church, now empty, surrounded by vendors of tourist trinkets. The power of God had been present centuries earlier in that town, as Christians recorded incredible, unchanging truths about who God is. Though the church is vacant, God remains real. When in Mexico, I saw remnants of pyramids, reflections of an ancient civilization's power and glory (without God). I've been to cities like Hong Kong, Beijing, New York, Chicago, seeing skyscrapers, engineering masterpieces showing showing the pride of cultural and economic growth and power - all which will one day be like the ancient Mayan and Aztec civilizations.
No people group endures and lives forever, except for God. No religion has a god who has come to earth to suffer with and for mankind. Most religions call for the followers to follow rules. Their gods and leaders have never intervened to end suffering. One religion calls for its followers to follow its most extreme clause, to wage war on people who won't follow its laws - instead of entering into the lives of others to tell them good news. I am so thankful that long ago God entered my life to save me from my sin, my brokenness and that even today he has a plan in the midst of my suffering and brokenness. A plan to save me and my family from senseless pain and tragedy. I only hope, at some point, that I will adequately be able to share of the great mercy, wisdom, and love of God that He has for others. I still have so far to go, but maybe this crazy-long blog entry is one form, one way of doing so, even in the midst of feeling God hidden and absent in my life. Today I choose, again, to believe that He is at work in my life even when it all seems so confusing, overwhelming, hopeless at times, and oh-so frightening. God is truly an "ever-present help in times of trouble".
