My Parents and a Cure for Anxiety

Last night I awoke at 3am and could not go back to sleep. My eyes wide open and mind racing from one unfinished thought to the next. Some thoughts were heavy, some were not. I finally opted for a sleeping pill, but I remained anxious. As I rolled over, yet again, I prayed, "God, instruct my heart". Moments later, and seemingly out of no where, the following stream of conscious flowed through my mind.

Growing up, I was always extremely proud of my parents; their love for others and for our family. As a child, and later as a young adult, my heart beamed with pride whenever I met someone and they connected me to my parents, Jay and Maureen.

Once I left my job in professional ministry and later married, I gladly took on my new last name and the adventures before us. But, I didn't anticipate facing my own sense of inconsequentiality. What had I accomplished or ever done for others? I had not raised a family. I had not sacrificed so much comfort to go live in 3rd world country. I had not buried parents. I was not an executive pastor nor a wise and respected woman. I was just Jenny. Trying to make it as a young bride, in foreign jobs and in new cities.

As a child, I wore my parent's clothing. In a way, I found my identity based on their successes, their character, and so on. On my own, I raced to prove myself; that I was worth loving. But, deep inside I felt like a fraud and a fake.

My journey in finding a new identity is for another entry. But, last night, as I lied in bed, overwhelmed with life responsibilities and uncertainties, God gave me peace. I was once righteous, secure and loved because of who my parents were and what they had done. But, now, I wear Christ's clothing and I am righteous, secure and loved by God because of what Christ did on the cross for me. And no failure of mine can ever take that away.

Suddenly a relaxing warmth rushed over me as I pondered these truths. Christ had lived the life I should have lived. He loved others the way I should have. He succeeded the way I should have. I don't have to be alone as "just Jenny". I don't have to prove myself to my husband nor to those around me. My life is significant because Christ died for me. Within minutes my body relaxed, the pain left me and I slept. Sleeping pill or God... you can debate what put me to sleep. All I know is that my heart was instructed at a deeper level than before and I was rocked to sleep with encouragement coming from outside of myself (because we all know that I'm not that smart nor coherent at 3 in the morning!).