Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Life now...

Highlights from the past two months: Halloween is SO fun with a little Minnie Mouse running around! I love hearing Cara's baby laugh! Increasing my work with Mary Kay Cosmetics has been challenging and fun, even while toting two kids around town! Recent lessons have come in discovering new ways to love Jon and in accepting the incredible notion that caring for a home and two kids is God's BEST for my life right now. Contentment in this has brought much joy, freedom and focus for my life. Watching the first snow this morning just adds to the overall blessing of today!

My Parents and a Cure for Anxiety

Last night I awoke at 3am and could not go back to sleep. My eyes wide open and mind racing from one unfinished thought to the next. Some thoughts were heavy, some were not. I finally opted for a sleeping pill, but I remained anxious. As I rolled over, yet again, I prayed, "God, instruct my heart". Moments later, and seemingly out of no where, the following stream of conscious flowed through my mind.

Growing up, I was always extremely proud of my parents; their love for others and for our family. As a child, and later as a young adult, my heart beamed with pride whenever I met someone and they connected me to my parents, Jay and Maureen.

Once I left my job in professional ministry and later married, I gladly took on my new last name and the adventures before us. But, I didn't anticipate facing my own sense of inconsequentiality. What had I accomplished or ever done for others? I had not raised a family. I had not sacrificed so much comfort to go live in 3rd world country. I had not buried parents. I was not an executive pastor nor a wise and respected woman. I was just Jenny. Trying to make it as a young bride, in foreign jobs and in new cities.

As a child, I wore my parent's clothing. In a way, I found my identity based on their successes, their character, and so on. On my own, I raced to prove myself; that I was worth loving. But, deep inside I felt like a fraud and a fake.

My journey in finding a new identity is for another entry. But, last night, as I lied in bed, overwhelmed with life responsibilities and uncertainties, God gave me peace. I was once righteous, secure and loved because of who my parents were and what they had done. But, now, I wear Christ's clothing and I am righteous, secure and loved by God because of what Christ did on the cross for me. And no failure of mine can ever take that away.

Suddenly a relaxing warmth rushed over me as I pondered these truths. Christ had lived the life I should have lived. He loved others the way I should have. He succeeded the way I should have. I don't have to be alone as "just Jenny". I don't have to prove myself to my husband nor to those around me. My life is significant because Christ died for me. Within minutes my body relaxed, the pain left me and I slept. Sleeping pill or God... you can debate what put me to sleep. All I know is that my heart was instructed at a deeper level than before and I was rocked to sleep with encouragement coming from outside of myself (because we all know that I'm not that smart nor coherent at 3 in the morning!).

Riley's 3rd Birthday!

I had the best day! We had a small party with my brother and his wife and with Bob and Mimi. Some highlights: Riley in awe of the Minnie Mouse decorations as she drew in her breath and said "I love it"; watching her excitement over the polk-a-dot birthday cake and blowing out her own candles; watching her give hugs and kisses to family; hearing her say "Bob, hey Bob" over and over; watching her put on every piece of dress of clothes; having Jeff and Mary Elizabeth drive up for the day; falling asleep with a smile on my face; hearing Riley's squeals of delight with each gift. What a day. I can't wait for the main gift that's coming Riley's way - tickets to Disney on Ice to see Minnie ice skate. She's gonna FLIP OUT! And to think how much God loves to give me even greater gifts than the ones I give Riley. Why do I so often doubt His love for me?!

Meg Ryan, a Witch and a Geisha

Every time I see the beginning of 'You've Got Mail', where Meg Ryan walks blissfully down the streets of NY, coffee in hand, music in the background; something deep inside me wants to be her. Independent. Elphaba in "Wicked" wants to 'defy gravity' and pursue a life free of constraints and judgements. Sayuri in "Memoirs of a Geisha" spends her whole life trying to break away from her financial dependence.

My once hidden attitude of "You're not the boss of me" has really come to the forefront in the roles as wife and mother. With Jon, its how I resist his suggestions, make excuses or delay in keeping my word because in reality - I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and how I want to do it.

As a mother, I'm presently faced by the similar attitude in my two year old - how to teach obedience "without challenge, without excuse and without delay" (Tripp). The girls will learn what to look for in husband from Jon's example. But, they will learn how to follow (or submit) to employers, teachers, the law, or to the leadership of their husbands from me.

The Bible says, "submit to one another". Although this is not directed only to women, God does issue this particular command more often to women because it cuts at the heart of where we place our trust - in self as boss. The Bible goes on to say that we submit "out of reverence for Christ". What's to revere about an ancient man who was seemingly too weak to say anything in his own defense and in so submitting it cost him his life on a cross?

It takes tremendous strength to submit and not challenge; humility to honor another above one's self, and faith that in dying to self you will not go unnoticed by God. Jesus showed plenty of confidence in public before his trial; yet, he intentionally stayed quiet because he knew his death would secure the salvation of many. He loved too much and so withstood the physical pain, the blows to his reputation, the burden of God's rejection because of his faith in God. He knew that with death came resurrection.

Entering my new role of motherhood and exploring even further depths in my marriage is like what I'd picture suddenly moving to the Congo would be like - insane, filled with peril and little glory (no offense to Congo). But, I will do this because I owe too much to Christ, am too excited about the personal outcome, and too concerned for the future of my children and the world around me to not enter into it. Death can mean resurrection; for those who chose it.

Grief, Faith and Nancy Guthrie

Last night, while visiting with friends over coffee, our host, Nancy Guthrie, shared from her journey through the deaths of two children. I was struck by her willingness to lay her heart bare, especially after weekends of speaking engagements and hosting grieving families this last weekend. How does she find strength to revisit the memories, the emotions, the loss, without growing bitter or consumed by self-pity? That kind of strength, courage and selflessness must come from God.

How can I respond differently when life abruptly, painfully changes? In listening to her, I took away that there is no list of things "to do". When confronted with loss, there is only faith. Faith that God is good and that He is involved in working all things for GOOD for those who love Him.

But, where does faith come from? How can one have it? Faith is a gift from God and all I have to do is ask Him for it. I was humbled by two things as I walked away last night - (1) all the times I've said nothing to grieving friends out of fear and in turn possibly hurt them and (2) how while pregnant I often saw my condition as a 'burden I must bear' instead of as precious time to care for a child. If ever I am blessed to be pregnant again, I will think of how Nancy Guthrie carried her children and look at those 9 months differently. And the next time I see a grieving friend, I hope I will have the courage to be uncomfortable and tell them I care.

I found Nancy's website today: www.nancyguthrie.com and am considering her book "Holding on to Hope".

Walmart, Tatoos and Viagra

Ok, so I wasn't going to bombard friends with another post, but I have to tell this story. Last night, when forced to the local Walmart pharmacy, I painfully watched the Pharmacist and a Latino gentleman not communicate. I offered to translate to which the gentleman gratefully asked for me to help him get his prescription for Viagra filled! The Pharmacist asked what the problem was, (why?), and I had the joy of hearing his explanation!!! Minutes later, while in our next line, Riley suddenly starts laughing at a man behind us. It turns out he was covered in tatoos head to toe, with gaping holes in his ear lobes. Anyone have suggestions on how to teach your child not to laugh at others? I was mortified. I can't blame her innocence though when it looked like he'd taken a Sharpie to his head and body, coupled with Papua New Guinea style holey earlobes. Walmart, man, its a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get.

Riley's first day of preschool!

The loaded report from the teacher was, "She really missed you." Hmmm... I laughed with Jon when we saw her walking around the playground with her huge blankie - meant for nap time. I was amazed at how she clearly communicated what went on that day while we were in the car  - good times. And I loved how while Jon worked that night, how Riley got really sick with a high temp and stomach bug!!!

After disappearing for half a year...

I'm back, with a renewed sense of energy for pursuing this blogging thing. Since my last post, I had my second child, Cara in the spring and enjoyed a summer packed full of time with extended family. The girls are growing so fast, I can hardly keep up or remember what they were like even two months ago!

Plumbing problems are no fun!

After the gushing water that poured into our breakfast nook yesterday morning, I now have a new appreciation for the challenges that TN flood victims faced this last year. Our problem is a small leak/clog that costs a bunch of money and is a big inconvenience. Nothing compared to what flood victims faced. Although, I am getting really tired of the fans and dehumidifier loudly droning in my ears!!!!

This week's encouraging quote!

"Father, You have helped me to see that I am to take care of the possible where the children are concerned, and to trust You for the impossible. Now please help me to understand the difference."  ~ Gigi Graham Tchividjian

Jenny, a blogger?

After some urging from family and friends that record my thoughts on things I'm learning and reading, well I thought I'd give it a try! I hope it will be fun!