Time Stealer

How do you use time when no one is with you? Do you strive to do more, or do you procrastinate? Do you do whatever you want to do? Are you defensive, as I often am, whenever time management, or prioritization is questioned?

On a conceptual level, I live with the belief that time is a precious gift comes from God. However, functionally I use time as mine. Sometimes, I take a needed short rest which becomes a long escape from responsibilities, followed by discontented thoughts over what I have or envy over what I don't. At other times, my own drivenness to satisfy a need for self-worth and value focuses on building my own kingdom, leaving responsibilities undone and people ignored. By a days end, I am often exhausted or restless, confused, frustrated, annoyed and cranky because I'm chased by gnawing guilt over how I poorly I lived another day.

This guilt, (or should I say, conviction from God), has followed me for a long time until yesterday, when God provided relief and peace when I wasn't even looking for it! How?

It was my second week as small group leader for a 3rd grade sunday school class at church. As the teacher went over each of the 10 commandments, she shared that when God commands, "Do not steal", He communicates that He values hard work. The teacher made the point that when we steal, we take from another's work (ie. copying homework). I suddenly thought, "I steal the time." I steal from my husband. He works so hard so that we can afford for me to stay at home with the girls, and yet, I steal the time he works with electronic distractions. My use of said devices wouldn't be so bad if 30 mins of rest didn't turn into hours of justified "me time" and then hurried housework minutes before Jon gets home.

Minutes later, I sat in the worship service, struggling to admit and confess my thievery; until I remember what Jesus did for me. He was wrongfully convicted of stealing the name of God, declaring himself God. In the religious leader's judgment, Jesus stole from God Himself. There was nothing so vile. And yet, though innocent, Jesus let them murder him, next to other thieve, so that he could rescue you and I from an imprisoned, pointless life and declare us free and valuable.

I should have been on that cross. If my husband, extended family, trusted friends, complete strangers, saw what I do with time, they would have every right to divorce, punish, shame and condemn me. No question. I am the worst time manager, life-liver. To think that Jesus gave up precious time in heaven with God to spend it living and dying to rescue us is astounding. What religion, what god, has ever done this? What a concept that a supreme being would feel compassion and love and come exchange their life for yours and mine? Jesus lived the perfect life, used time faultlessly, with no regrets. His was the only life that counted and He is the only person who at the end of a day and who had the end of his life had complete rest. His last words were, "It is finished."

I came to God yesterday, confessing my thievery that cost Jesus' life, which deeply affected others and which ate at my soul. And then... freedom. Forgiveness. A new start. A new identity. My slate wiped clean. Will I fail again? Yes. But, I do not have to drive life or escape it in fear of being declared a failure. I may fail, but I am no longer a failure. God forgiving me and giving me the faith to believe this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My life counts because Jesus chose to die for me. Your life counts, not because of what you do professionally, how you think, what you look like, what you own, who loves you, how many people you help, or how you use time or money. You are worth knowing because Jesus died for you!

I discontinued my Facebook account yesterday, but I think this part of my story needs to be shared. So, this will be my last post shared on Facebook. In closing, I hope you will take whatever may be gnawing at you, or consider if there is nothing troubling you, and talk to God. If all you say in your mind to Him is "God..." life changes because in that moment you consider how you may need someone else besides yourself to navigate life. Consider what it might be like to know rest, peace and pressures lifted from someone outside of your own striving or flighting. In the words of ancient Christians, Peace be with you.

The Cinderella Man and Me

"So much in me seeks influence, power, success, and popularity," writes Henri Nouwen about his journey in deciding to leave Harvard to serve at Daybreak; a home for the mentally and physically disabled in Canada. He admitted that even when he considers choosing a smaller way, he wants that way to become something spectacular.

This resonates with me as fall approaches and opportunities for engaging in new activities emerge. I want to do great things; things considered great by the world around me. Nouwen says, "the way of Jesus is the way of hiddenness, powerlessness, and littleness." I am tempted to add to this hidden work: motherhood + 'perfect' training, housekeeping + craftiness,  home + booming side job. I want this hidden work to look spectacular so that I a feeling that my life counts for something. This striving never satisfies.

Consider Jesus, born in a small town, grew up unknown, and though his ministry did reach great numbers of people it 'ended' in his humiliating, lonely, seemingly powerless, death. Yet he served quietly because he walked with God, experiencing His stamp of approval. Nouwen says that when Jesus came to be baptized he did, "not appear with great fanfare as a powerful savior, announcing a new order." Instead, God affirmed his quiet company with sinners by saying, "This is my Son, the Beloved; my favor rests on him."

As Jesus died, he gave up God's presence for loneliness, praise for rejection, death so that we, enemies of God, could have the same affirmation that he had always known. Today, because of what Jesus did, God announces to me, and to you if you are His, "You are my child, the Beloved; my pleasure rests on you."

Consider the movie about the Cinderella Man, one of the greatest American boxers of all time, who at the end of the movie, wins an incredible victory. The music sweeps the viewer up in happiness for the winner and in dreams of what such praise and satisfaction must feel like. And yet, as Christians, we can live with that same, if not greater, sense of value and rest-filled accomplishment, as we walk life with God!

Practicing this is harder than knowing it to be true. But, if I keep a child-like faith, it can be so simple and attainable. Today I pray to forget myself and in turn walk with God; that this experience will transform the hows and whys of my housecleaning, craft-making, decision-making, child-training, meal-planning, health-caring, husband-loving, friend-listening, volunteering ways.

Sharing with Another's Suffering

Here is a great blog post from Tullian Tchividjian on how responses to suffering. I admit that I am guilty of moralizing or minimizing suffering. At times I have wondered if suffering (my own or that of others) has been a result of misbehavior. I have also minimized my own suffering, and that others, by either trying to find what good will come from it or by offering spiritual platitudes. In recent months I have had the privilege of walking with others in their suffering and have done all of the above. When I did so, I remember feeling so uncomfortable, thinking, "this doesn't sound or feel right." I think I clearly have lots of room to grow in my understanding of Christ's suffering on the cross and what it means to have him present with me in my times of suffering. The most healing words of comfort have come from  a friend who recently said, "I'm so sorry" and nothing more, and from God, who spoke to my spirit, "I am here."

Explanations Are A Substitute For Trust

Two-Faced Wonders

Picture this: A Latina woman, born in Mexico, raised in California, talking to (me) a white woman born in the U.S. but raised in Mexico. I spoke to her in Spanish, she answered me in English; and so our conversation continued in two languages. The white girls speaking Spanish and the tan girl speaking English. Our kids swimming around us.

Moments later over lunch, the Latina family walked away. And a party of Americans loudly declared, "I don't care that they speak Spanish, but they speak it so loudly. Why can't they learn English...". I found myself shaking my head in judgment of their poor judgment. And all this right after reading this morning about leaving judging to God. God help me. Help me not judge the covers of people. Help me move toward people because Jesus did.

Is the church relevant in city life?

This is a portion of reflections by Henri Nouwen in his book, The Road to Daybreak. While on a weekend trip to Paris, he visited St. Gervais and read a flyer about the brothers and sisters of Jerusalem* serving that church community. It said:

"Life in the city today is a wilderness for the masses of men and women who live alone, some worrying about the future, some unconcerned, each unknown to the other. The brothers and sisters of Jerusalem want to live in solidarity with them, just as they are now, and wherever they are. They wish to provide them with some kind of oasis, freely open to all, a silent place alive with prayer, in a spirit of welcome and sharing, where real life means more than mere talking or acting. A peaceful place where all people, whatever their social background, their age, or their outlook on life, are invited to come and share in a common search for God.

Church in Charleston, SC

They have chosen to live in Paris, that large city made up of ten million people. Through their own experience of the hardships of city life, with its alienations, its struggles, its work, its restraints, they know the stress, the noise of pollution, the joys and the sorrows, the sinfulness, and the holiness of Paris. Together with the people of Paris, they would like to help point out 'the signs announcing the kingdom' in a very humble way, but wholeheartedly, at once breaking off with the world and living in communion with it, both keeping apart and sharing with others..."

In response, Nouwen says, "I realized that this church has become a home for many people, a place to be together in quiet prayer, a center to form a community, and most of all a foyer that makes it possible to live in Babylon while remaining in Jerusalem."

*The Monastic Fraternities of Jerusalem - "communities of men and women who have chosen the city as their place of prayer, in contrast to the great contemplative orders of the past, which built their monasteries and abbeys in the peaceful countryside."

Grace and Peace for You

If you find the wheels of life going round and round, your life moving from one suffering or challenge to the next... If you feel stuck in the prison of a relationship with hardships and see no way out, no change in sight... If you face the insurmountable mountain of forgiving another, or the dark tunnel of uncertainty... May I pass on to you some encouragement that I received this morning and over this past month of July? They are promises from God for all those who not just believe in his existence, but who have decided to trust that he is good and in his control of all things.

He is a shield about you, the lifter of your head
He is our hiding place and shield (Psalm 119:114)
"Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting"
"(you) belong to Christ and Christ belongs to God"
"He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me."
"Do not fear. Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord... The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."
"Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for that battle is not yours but God's."
"If you lack wisdom, ask God who gives generously."
"Put on the Lord Jesus Christ."
"Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves."
"Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God."
"So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another."
"The night is almost gone, and the day is near."
"God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God."


Psalm 119 "My soul cleaves to the dust; revive me according to Your word... My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Your word... This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me... Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I keep your word... You are good, and You do good... It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.... In faithfulness You have afflicted me, O may your lovingkindness comfort me, according to Your word to Your servant.... May your compassion come to me that I may live... If Your law had not been my delight, then I would have perished in my affliction."

"The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you, and give you peace."