Time Stealer

How do you use time when no one is with you? Do you strive to do more, or do you procrastinate? Do you do whatever you want to do? Are you defensive, as I often am, whenever time management, or prioritization is questioned?

On a conceptual level, I live with the belief that time is a precious gift comes from God. However, functionally I use time as mine. Sometimes, I take a needed short rest which becomes a long escape from responsibilities, followed by discontented thoughts over what I have or envy over what I don't. At other times, my own drivenness to satisfy a need for self-worth and value focuses on building my own kingdom, leaving responsibilities undone and people ignored. By a days end, I am often exhausted or restless, confused, frustrated, annoyed and cranky because I'm chased by gnawing guilt over how I poorly I lived another day.

This guilt, (or should I say, conviction from God), has followed me for a long time until yesterday, when God provided relief and peace when I wasn't even looking for it! How?

It was my second week as small group leader for a 3rd grade sunday school class at church. As the teacher went over each of the 10 commandments, she shared that when God commands, "Do not steal", He communicates that He values hard work. The teacher made the point that when we steal, we take from another's work (ie. copying homework). I suddenly thought, "I steal the time." I steal from my husband. He works so hard so that we can afford for me to stay at home with the girls, and yet, I steal the time he works with electronic distractions. My use of said devices wouldn't be so bad if 30 mins of rest didn't turn into hours of justified "me time" and then hurried housework minutes before Jon gets home.

Minutes later, I sat in the worship service, struggling to admit and confess my thievery; until I remember what Jesus did for me. He was wrongfully convicted of stealing the name of God, declaring himself God. In the religious leader's judgment, Jesus stole from God Himself. There was nothing so vile. And yet, though innocent, Jesus let them murder him, next to other thieve, so that he could rescue you and I from an imprisoned, pointless life and declare us free and valuable.

I should have been on that cross. If my husband, extended family, trusted friends, complete strangers, saw what I do with time, they would have every right to divorce, punish, shame and condemn me. No question. I am the worst time manager, life-liver. To think that Jesus gave up precious time in heaven with God to spend it living and dying to rescue us is astounding. What religion, what god, has ever done this? What a concept that a supreme being would feel compassion and love and come exchange their life for yours and mine? Jesus lived the perfect life, used time faultlessly, with no regrets. His was the only life that counted and He is the only person who at the end of a day and who had the end of his life had complete rest. His last words were, "It is finished."

I came to God yesterday, confessing my thievery that cost Jesus' life, which deeply affected others and which ate at my soul. And then... freedom. Forgiveness. A new start. A new identity. My slate wiped clean. Will I fail again? Yes. But, I do not have to drive life or escape it in fear of being declared a failure. I may fail, but I am no longer a failure. God forgiving me and giving me the faith to believe this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My life counts because Jesus chose to die for me. Your life counts, not because of what you do professionally, how you think, what you look like, what you own, who loves you, how many people you help, or how you use time or money. You are worth knowing because Jesus died for you!

I discontinued my Facebook account yesterday, but I think this part of my story needs to be shared. So, this will be my last post shared on Facebook. In closing, I hope you will take whatever may be gnawing at you, or consider if there is nothing troubling you, and talk to God. If all you say in your mind to Him is "God..." life changes because in that moment you consider how you may need someone else besides yourself to navigate life. Consider what it might be like to know rest, peace and pressures lifted from someone outside of your own striving or flighting. In the words of ancient Christians, Peace be with you.